there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
