This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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