I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
