Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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