The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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