Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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