apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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