If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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