My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
