every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
