the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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