Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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