I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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