I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
