Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
