so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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