I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
