i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
