I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
