i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
