i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
