I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I did not marry a roomba.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
