Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I stole a fireplace last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
