So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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