So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
