I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
