I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
