so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
