Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
