i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
