this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
