I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
