Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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