It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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