I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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