highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
