and i looked up. we had an audience...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
