hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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