I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
