Four minutes until I can fart!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
