Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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