just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
