going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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