Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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