I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
