the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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