Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
