I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
