I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
