I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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