We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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