i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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