She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
