I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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