my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
