my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
